Next to our gigantic safe, the spiral staircase which leads to the Lecture Hall is probably the Library’s most commented upon feature. Sadly, as Nemo once pointed out to me, the staircase spirals in the wrong way, either due to an error in calculus by an early Librarian, or because it was cast in the Southern Hemisphere. The problem is, if the Library should ever come under attack, it would be difficult to defend the spiral stairs, as the Librarians’ sword arms would be constrained by the central column, thus severely limiting our range of motion. We would most likely suffer heavy casualties and be forced to retreat to the lecture hall, and from there to dump hot pitch onto the clambering hordes below, which, in addition to endangering some of the more fragile volumes in our collection, would put a serious dent in the already beleaguered Office Supplies line item on our budget, as Staples charges a lot for cauldrons of pitch, even if you get the less effective Staples-branded stuff.
Luckily, the Library has found a firm, located in Glasgow, who specialize in cast iron helix reversal. They will super heat the staircase in an enormous kiln, then a team of burly Glaswegians, applying pressure at both ends, will twist it around in the proper, more defensible, direction.
This sort of highly specialized handiwork doesn’t come cheap, though, and that’s why we’re asking for your help. Instead of coming up with tote bags, coffee mugs, special recognition societies for donors, etc. as is usually done in these situation, this time we’re doing things the other way around. Those who do NOT contribute will be added to the rolls of the Mercantile Library Society of the White Flag, and will have their late book fines doubled for a period of six months.
Please. Give generously, won’t you?
-Norm De Plume