That most blessed of Cincinnati Holidays, Opening Day, harbinger of milder weather and a not entirely unlosing season for the Cincinnati Reds is upon us. We offer, therefore, the following tips to maximize your enjoyment.
-Wear layers. When you look in the mirror and see “Bibendum”, aka “the Michelin Man” peering back at you, add two more layers for good measure. Noting, of course, the layer where you put your hip flask, which should be accessible in case you’re stuck in a snow drift.
-Following the Wapakoneta Breakfast Optimist Club in the parade and screaming pessimistic jeers is totally not cool.
-Following the Budweiser Clydesdales for free beer might also seem like a good idea, but you’ll want to skip that too, as the Cincinnati Police “mounties” will be directly behind them.
–The parade is long and boring, much like baseball itself, so this might be the perfect opportunity to introduce your nieces and nephews to that most baseball of stimulants, “chew”. This is also the time to introduce them to that modern convenience, the spittoon.
-If you’ve been invited to throw out the first pitch, and you aren’t a president whose dad was also president, cultivate both a “manly pitching demeanor” and accuracy by practicing in front of a mirror.
-When selecting your outfit, consider what colors go well with your skin tone and hair color. The irony of wearing a retro blue, or “street” black or pink Reds cap will be entirely lost when you’re in the stands, attempting to present a blood-red unified front to those barbarians from Milwaukee.
-Wear comfortable shoes. There’s tons to do, see, eat and drink, and what’s a little crappy weather any way? -Ed Scripsi