Some years ago, I decided I was going to sit down and not get up until I’d achieved immortality by coming up with a new word. Some 3.5 minutes later, “advertorial” popped into my head, which I decided MUST be a new word, as the concept it suggests is something that, by definition, cannot possibly exist in a sane world.
However, a cursory Google search soon revealed that “advertorial” is not only a word, but is in fact a word that certain people are seemingly able to say with a straight face. Disheartened (in more ways than one), I gave up. However, the other day it dawned on me that I’d made a classic mistake. I had tried to shove a new word into existence through sheer force of will, instead of looking around for a need, then coming up with a word to fill that need.
I’ve kept my eyes open, and have since noticed several gaping holes in the English language that should be filled tout de suite, but unfortunately, now that I have a career and a toddler, I no longer have the time, nor, quite frankly, the burning desire for the immortal glory, that I’d need to do what needs to be done. So, I’m turning things over to you.
We need words for the following:
– The sheaf of papers smokers take outside their office buildings to squint at while they smoke, so later on they can falsely claim they work during their smoke breaks.
– The slight “go ahead” wave people give when they’ve started to cross the street, but then realize the light has changed and they are about to get mowed down by a wave of oncoming cars, to make it seem like they didn’t make a mistake, but have instead decided, rather too altruistically and against their better judgement, to let traffic proceed, regardless of their urgent need to get across the street.
– The precise moment in the winter when you stop seeing foul weather as an unfortunate but ultimately surmountable obstacle to be overcome with grace and dignity, and start seeing it as a personal attack on you and everything you hold dear.
There you go, everyone. Get to it. Immortality awaits.
-Norm De Plume