Whatever holiday you’re celebrating in the winter-solstice-ish time of the year, it can be dicey business, making your way to those holiday parties in the freezing cold while maintaining a cheery mug. Not to worry, we at the Mercantile Library Literary Research Center have come up with a simple set of guidelines for navigating the treacherous holiday season.
Gift Giving: Obviously a huge part of the holidays, boon and bane. The important thing to remember in gift giving is this: what do you consider the monetary value of the recipient to be? Simply divide this number by 42 and there you have the recommended amount of money you ought to spend on their gift.
Gift Receiving: The months leading up to the holiday season are a perfect time to get your last will and testament out of the ole’ safe deposit box, dust it off, and make a conspicuous show of amending it and considering it in front of the offspring who should be out shopping for your holiday gifts.
Revelry: Remember, moderation in all things, including moderation. But moderation in excess, too. The rule of thumb here is moderation especially in moderating your excessiveness, otherwise you’re left with what, exactly? When was the last time you heard someone say thanks for this moderate helping of moderation, least of all around the holidays?
Holiday Greenery: Many types of Holiday greenery: spray-painted Poinsettia, Mistletoe, Scotch Poison-Arrow Pine, artificial pine wreathes, aluminum trees, etc., are extremely poisonous. However, consuming tiny quantities of these over the season will render one impervious to the poisons of ones enemies.
Holiday Libations: Here we defer to Dr. Johnson. “Claret for boys, port for men, but brandy for heroes.” All true, with the additional clause that if it ends in “-gnac”, it is for rich heroes. Do you want to be a hero? If not, go for rum or whiskey in your nog. If yes, brandy is exceptional but again, if it ends in -gnac, don’t dilute it–sip it slowly while swirling and gazing reflectively into the middle distance or fire, whichever comes first.
Holiday Eating: We recently came across this article on avoiding Holiday Weight Gain in the Enquirer and agree with certain points: “Don’t eat what you don’t love”, “Eat a healthy breakfast”, “Scope out the buffet before filling your plate,” and so forth. But avoid “cream or cheese sauces”? Has Peggy O’Farrell gone mad? Most likely, this is just a holiday ploy to mislead the gullible, maintaining that there will be plenty of dairy-based victuals left for the writer.
There you have it. Remember, if you’re drinking, eat; if you’re eating, drink; and if you’re driving, don’t. Happy Holidays. -Ed Scripsi