Let’s face facts: politics is/are a depressing state of affairs, not to mention annoying and, as demonstrated by the gentleman to my right, Jimmy McMillan of “the rent is 2 damn high party”, occasionally hilarious–not entirely unlike watching a tug-of-war in lime Jello between several incredibly annoying and inept parties whose tactics extend well beyond tugging on the rope itself to tugging on the spectrum of negative human emotions via television ads and various other dubiously-funded underhand techniques. Clearly the common man could use a few simple axioms to navigate the swamp of backstabbing and duplicity that amounts, in these times of economic and global uncertainty, to little more than the petty brinkmanship of closet sociopaths. Beyond the hype, behind the lies, we’ve come up with a few sure-fire tells for choosing a good candidate.
–Facial Hair. Avoid candidates without facial hair. You’d think that facial hair would mean that your candidate has something to hide… which is exactly what bare-faced candidates want you to think. Further, the choices your candidates make in facial grooming provide a veritable lexicon to their inner qualities, to be read like skull bumps under a good phrenologist’s trained touch. Women with facial hair are particularly desirable in all corners of the political sphere.
–Ties. Wearers of thin ties are charlatans, wearers of fat ties, liars, also complicated patterns are meant to confuse the audience. Plain ties are meant to telegraph no non-sense, so obviously they’re trying to disguise the fact that the wearer is utterly full of nonsense.
–Pants. As a rule, candidates wearing pants are not to be trusted. Always go with the candidate in a kilt. In the case of women candidates, your guess is as good as mine.
–Pointy-eyed candidates. We couldn’t determine what exactly point eyes are, but the popular wisdom is that you shouldn’t vote for pointy-eyed candidates. Also candidates whose eyes are too close together or not close enough are to be avoided.
–Candidates who look good on TV are, as a rule, brain-snacking aliens in human-body suits sent to soften up our planet for invasion.
–Candidates who claim that they are the right choice for candidate. These individuals are without failure Machiavellian maniacs bent on seizing power and money to the end of acquiring Jacuzzis full of liquid cocaine developed, invented and purchased at honest taxpayers’ expense.
–Candidates who look you in the eye and tell you maybe they’re not such a great choice compared to their opponent. DON’T BE FOOLED. Write in Mickey Mouse, if you have to, or better yet Ed Scripsi. -Ed Scripsi