We read this morning that the idea of replacing U.S. Grant with R. W. Reagan on the fifty dollar bill is being floated. The first reason why that is a bad idea is that U. S. Grant, while a crap president, was a great general and a role model for all of us who have failed at peacetime activities. The second reason is that R. W. Reagan already has a perfectly nice airport, a much admired cross county highway, and a fabulous nuclear powered aircraft carrier named after him, so he’s not exactly going unrecognized. The third, and most important reason, is that it is time to stop putting politicians on our coinage and currency. Our second favorite character* in Trollope’s parliamentary novels is Planty Pal, the skinny humorless aristo who became the Duke of Omnium. Planty never ever gave up on his idea to convert the pound to a decimal currency. It didn’t happen during his lifetime, but it happened. We are going to pursue the idea of replacing presidents with writers, scholars, artists, and craftspersons on American coinage and currency. Our first target was intended to be the slaveholding, genocidal, fiscally idiotic Andrew Jackson, but we see now that the battle may be over Grant. In either case we believe it is most important to put Harriet Beecher Stowe in the first available oval.
You think we’re kidding? Just watch.
* First favorite would be Madame Max.