The Mercantile’s Literary Guide to Oktoberfest

https://i0.wp.com/www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/dachshunds_race.jpgAnd they’re off!  The annual running of the dachshunds will take place this Friday on the Square from 12-1.  For those of you who like a little wager with your ale, there will be multiple heats.  The Mercantile Library offers therefore, a collection of sage advice for the festival.

-Beers with more than 8 or 9 umlauts are best enjoyed only after an extensive regimen of vocal chord stretches.

-Newspapers and magazines about current events are best avoided.  We recommend Goethe, Mann, Kafka, or Hesse.

-When the chicken dance begins, discreetly wander down to the river for half an hour or so.

-Avoid any and all foodstuffs that come in cardboard sleeves.  Accept nothing less than wax and/or newspaper.  This is especially important when it comes to attaining potato pancakes of the highest, most delicious quality

-“Bar maids” and “Weiner Dogs” is not considered very P.C. these days.  They prefer “Fermented-Malt-Beverage-Purveying Sorority Sisters” and “Hotdog Dogs”

-If at all possible, bring an iPod or old timey Walkman.  This will enable you to listen to soothing strains of Beethoven, Mozart, or, best of all, Strauss, cutting out the sound of polka bands.  Unless you are at the Pabst Blue Ribbon tent.  Their polka band is divine.

-Avoid lederhosen with horizontal stripes.  These have a tendency to make the wearer look fat.

Well, that’s it.  Follow these simple tenets and all will be, as they say in Germany, “Gut”.  Remember: moderation in all things and, seriously, those Oktoberfest beers are strong.  Take the bus!

-Ed Scripsi

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Published in: on September 17, 2008 at 3:55 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Better yet, take the streetcar. I’m sure Cincinnati has one.


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